Refried Neurons

I recently realised that my faithful hardshell jacket has seen better days. This discovery did not come suddenly. In fact, a stylist informed me seven years ago that this jacket was completely wrong for my skin tone. I accepted this information calmly, thanked her, and then continued to wear it for the next seven years.
Now it leaks. And yes, it is still the wrong colour. So I finally went on a small quest into outdoor shops, hoping to find something hard-wearing and, ideally, not resembling yesterday’s dog poo.
For years I’ve been complaining about outdoor clothing. The lack of choice, the lack of colour, the lack of imagination. Everything lives somewhere between black, green and brown. Patterns? Let’s not get carried away. At least it used to be affordable. Not cheap, but reasonable. Hiking, after all, isn’t skiing. It doesn’t come with luxury hotels, flights, lift passes and an unspoken agreement that you’re about to spend a small fortune just to stand on snow.
Or so I thought.
Something has shifted. Not the designs, god forbid. You are still expected to look as plain and inoffensive as possible, ideally not frightening any birds along the way. But the prices? Those have very much evolved. Since COVID, wandering around the countryside has become fashionable. Being “outdoorsy” is now a lifestyle. Cigarettes and booze are passé. In their place: cold plunges, green smoothies and staring meaningfully at trees.
And with that came £500 hardshell jackets.

Seeing an Arc’teryx price tag nearly short-circuited my nervous system. Thankfully, they are not the only ones making waterproof shells. Which made me consider, slightly sheepishly, that I might owe Decathlon an apology and at least a look at what they currently have in stock. Because if it doesn’t leak, does it really matter whose logo is on it? They’re all made in China anyway.

At least it’s not £2,000.
That, apparently, is still reserved for ski jackets.